Aᴅᴀᴍ Pᴀʀʀɪsʜ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
unknowable) wrote2015-09-30 09:40 pm
unknowable) wrote2015-09-30 09:40 pm
ic inbox [hadriel]
"Please leave a message and I'll return it as soon as I'm able."
[if necessary, you can also leave a message for Ronan Lynch here]
"Please leave a message and I'll return it as soon as I'm able."
[if necessary, you can also leave a message for Ronan Lynch here]
no subject
[It's the only thing he can say, the only acceptable response. He has to be okay, especially now that Gansey's gone. He has to be the one to keep them together. That's what Gansey's asked of him, after all, more than once now. Never mind that Gansey is excellent with people, and Adam doesn't know how to connect with anyone. Never mind that Gansey's always been the center of everything, and Adam nothing more than a satellite.
He knows it makes sense. Ronan is too ruled by his emotions, likely to lash out or run away. Noah is barely there at all sometimes, still too ghostlike to rely on. Henry is an unknown quantity that none of them really trust yet. It has to be Adam, steady, hardworking Adam who always does what needs to be done regardless of the cost.
It doesn't feel fair right now. Not now. But that's self-pity, and Adam knows it. He knows it too well. He tries to catch hold of it, squeeze it out of himself, be stronger.
Ronan is still here. He hasn't left, he hasn't gotten angry like he did before. Maybe they won't fight. Maybe he'll stay, maybe Adam can lean on him a little. Just a little. He won't ask for much, he doesn't know how. But first Adam knows he has to get ahold of himself, he can't let this - his hand, Gansey, all of it in quick succession - distract him from what's important. Ronan, most of all. Noah. Whoever else is still here.]
He's safer at home. Nothing's going to hurt him there - we saved him.
no subject
[Ronan doesn't seem entirely convinced- but then, he never witnessed Gansey's miraculous recovery for himself. It's not that he doubts or doesn't believe the others when they tell him it happens, but it's difficult to really get over the fact that he dies anyway and then- lives happily ever after.
But this isn't about him, or his thoughts or misgivings about Gansey's fate, it's about breaking the news to Adam as well as he can. Ronan has already had awhile to try and process the information; for Adam, it's all new. So he doesn't protest, even if he can't help but wonder how everything turns out, and instead he goes quiet for a few moments, nodding blankly and letting all of this, the consequences, the ramifications, everything, sink in.]
I remember. You scryed for it.
[It brings back delicate memories, both good and bad, of the last time Gansey had left, when they tried to determine his fate. In a way, it was the beginning to all of this, even if it had been a little of a rough start. Ronan isn't sure if he'd change the way that everything happened, even if he could.
But he's never been afraid to meet someone's eyes, and so he looks up at Adam's now, troubled and unsure, but strong underneath it all. His jaw is tense, but he's not hiding from this. Hopefully that could be of some comfort.]
You full? I can get more.
no subject
It's a comfort. A small comfort, but a real one. Adam knows that wanting Gansey there with them is selfish, when this place is not safe for anyone, when he could be hurt. When he already has been hurt too many times. But even so, Adam feels the loss of him. The loss of one of the few people he trusts without reservation, someone he can talk to when he needs to, someone to relax around. He feels the loss of more than that - the possible destabilization of the ones left behind, the things that could happen.
They happened before. Things could be different now. Ronan seems upset about Gansey's departure, but not as if he's about to explode, not as if he might storm off. Adam knows it's not easy for either of them, but he's more worried about Ronan then himself. He was a poor substitute for Gansey last time. Things have changed, but that could still be the same.
He doesn't want it to be.]
I'm okay. Don't go.
[He doesn't want to be alone right now. He doesn't want Ronan out of his sight, as if he might disappear suddenly too. And he might. Then what would Adam do?
Adam fumbles with the bowl as he tries to set it on the nightstand, still clumsy with only one hand.]
Are you all right?
no subject
The list of things that aren't alright are a mile high, and even then Ronan knows that he's got nothing on the shit that Adam is going through. Losing Gansey, feeling guilty is one thing, but losing Gansey, losing a hand, losing- all of this- it has to be worse.
He doesn't know what a good response to this is. If he's honest, he's not sure he'll be able to stop, and an emotional explosion is the last thing that Adam needs. If he lies- well, he doesn't lie. So in the end, Ronan just swallows hard and shrugs halfheartedly before refocusing, looking back up toward Adam with the same sort of raw intensity that he approaches everything with.]
I still have you.
[His fingers lift and he reaches out, sliding his hand delicately along Adam's cheek, his thumb brushing the soft skin over his cheekbone.]
You still have me.
[That's maybe the last saving grace about this whole thing. Ronan isn't so insecure as to think that Adam could fully cast him aside after this, not when they've been through so much- but he knows that he has a long way to go before he can forgive himself. But the bottom line is that they're both still here, and as long as that remains a constant, then there's still some semblance of hope and some possibility of happiness somewhere in the future.]
We'll survive this.
no subject
It shouldn't be, but it is. That's not Ronan's fault, but rather just another scar from Adam's past, one that someday he hopes will fade.
He presses his cheek into Ronan's hand, letting himself take comfort from that touch, trying to give it in return. He still feels cold, broken, barely holding his pieces together, but it helps. And more than that, he wants to give Ronan the same thing, doesn't want him to think he's alone in this.]
We will. I'm not going anywhere.
[What he needs to do is pull himself together, be stable, be stronger. He needs to be able to let Ronan lean on him. He'll never be able to replace Gansey - frankly, he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to keep Ronan on a leash, he likes him a little wild. But he has to be able to be better, to look past his own troubles and focus on the others. He promised he would.
It's not easy right now, but Ronan is here. They're together. It's something, it means so much.]
You can tell me. If you're not okay, I mean.
no subject
He doesn't know how to say any of that. He does know that there's solace in Adam, there's a peace and intelligence there that's reminiscent of Cabeswater, but ultimately is entirely him, and he knows that when he touches Adam, he feels a little bit of that peace curling around the rest of it. And he'd love to say that it's enough, that that's all he needs to feel better instantly, but the hole is still there and he still feels lost.
For once though, he realizes that it's not Adam's responsibility to keep him on his path- and it isn't Gansey's, either. Adam can't take all of this on his own, not with everything else that he's lost, but Ronan still doesn't quite understand the difference between needing to lean on someone and outright expecting them to carry you- at least, not when it's him doing the leaning.
He's quiet for longer than he should be, and after a few moments, Ronan moves to lay down, not quite making eye contact, but still staying close, still touching Adam. He doesn't know how to tell him what he's feeling, but Ronan isn't subtle about any of his actions, and so he shakes his head slightly, tugging Adam down to lay with him.]
Does it still hurt?
no subject
Ronan is warm next to him. He knows Ronan isn't okay, but he doesn't have the ability to draw it out of him right now. He doesn't know what to say, what to do to make it better. He can't bring Gansey back. He should probably apologize, he thinks, for making Ronan hurt him, and then for making Ronan take care of him afterward. He should apologize, and he will, but he can't find the words. Not right now.]
It aches a little.
[Adam thinks it's more of a psychological thing than a physical one. Gansey healed his wound, made sure he wouldn't bleed out or die from trauma. There's no physical reason for his arm to hurt, but it does, so he has to conclude it's psychological. He doesn't know what to do about that. It's like all those times at home - all those moments when he knew he was reacting a certain way because of trauma, when he missed home and knew he shouldn't, when he knew his past was ruling him but he couldn't make it stop.
This is not nearly as bad, but it's still frustrating. He knows it'll get better, he knows it has to get better. Ronan's presence helps, Cabeswater in the back of his mind helps, Aspen coming over to nose at him worriedly now and then helps. It'll just take time.
That's what he tells himself, but he wants it to be over already. He wants to be strong and unaffected by everything that's happened. But he's always wanted that, and it never seems to happen.]
It'll go away.
no subject
He wraps an arm around Adam's stomach, nosing at his neck as he tries to take it slow, like they've taken everything else slow lately, needing to, really, just to process it all. Henry and Noah are giving them space, but Ronan knows that they'll have to face the two of them eventually. That can wait. For now, there's just this, just him and Adam and what happened, hanging heavy between them.]
I'm sorry. [He shouldn't apologize now- they can't deal with this now- but it aches in his chest, building up and boiling over until it's almost impossible to hold back anymore. Guilt used to materialize in him like anger, but now it reads more like the truth of it, quiet and curled up and ashamed.
Ronan's voice is soft, only audible because his lips are pressed so close to Adam's good ear, and it's easier when they're not looking at one another, easier when Adam can't read his face as well as his voice.]
I should have- if I tried harder to dream a cure. This. It wouldn't-
[He's somewhat calm while he explains it, even if he feels like his heart is clammed up in his throat. Ronan doesn't want to lose control of himself entirely around Adam, but his composure is only so strong.]
I can do all this shit, [he finally decides to say, catching hold of himself and burying his forehead in the back of Adam's neck,] I can fuckin'- bend reality. But I can't save- I can't protect anyone.
no subject
[His voice is quiet but firm. If there's one thing he's certain of, it's that. It's not Ronan's fault that he can't dream something up that'll beat the gods. This place belongs to them, and they have more power here than Ronan ever could. Adam never viewed it as a failure, not for a moment, though he isn't surprised to learn that Ronan did. Does.
The warmth of Ronan at his back is a comfort to him. He doesn't know if he is any sort of comfort in return, but he rests his hand - his good hand - on Ronan's where it lays across his stomach.]
You saved me. I would have died - I would have turned into one of those things and hurt you.
[So what if Ronan didn't use his dreams to do it? So what if it was traumatic, difficult for all of them? Adam will recover. He knows that if he'd hurt any of them he never would have forgiven himself - he still hasn't really forgiven himself for letting the demon possess him and hurt Ronan, though it no longer haunts him like it used to.]
And Gansey... Cabeswater saved him. It's yours, Ronan, it's part of you. It saved Gansey because you made it.
[He closes his eyes for a moment, feeling Ronan's forehead against his neck, his breath against Adam's skin.]
Don't say you can't protect anyone. You've always protected me.
[It's a fraught subject, for Adam. He doesn't want to be weak enough to need protecting, he doesn't want to rely on anyone else to be safe. But at the same time, the simple fact that Ronan wants to means the world to him. It doesn't feel like pity, though it would have not so long ago. Now, he knows Ronan better - he knows Ronan doesn't want to do it because he pities Adam, but because his fierce loyalty makes him want to keep everything he cares for safe. The Barns, Matthew, Gansey. Adam, now. And Adam has never felt that before.
He's never felt safe the way he does with Ronan. It's not that he believes Ronan will protect him - he still will get frustrated if anyone acts like he needs that - but rather that he trusts Ronan to never hurt him, trusts him to feel deeply and fully. He even is beginning to trust the idea that Ronan believes he's worth it.
He doesn't know how to express that, and he certainly doesn't know how to return that feeling, or how to give Ronan something of equal value. But he can try to alleviate Ronan's guilt, at least.]
no subject
He still can't stop thinking about the salve he tried to make, how it went wrong, where it went wrong, if he could have done it any differently. He saw Adam's arm go black with decay, even after he asked Cabeswater for something that would save him. Cabeswater had never disappointed them before, but now- ? It might be stupid to think that it could even trump the gods, but this is the first actual demonstration of his abilities against Fear's own, and to come up short leaves him stunned.
And guilty.
Ronan is quiet for a moment while he thinks about it- it's true, he's always tried to protect Adam and the rest of their friends, and even though he feels as if he's failed, maybe there's a kernel of truth to what he's saying. Ronan couldn't stop Gansey from dying, but his creation could revive him. He couldn't save Adam's arm, but he could save his life.
Magic seems to be fraught with these sorts of qualifiers- you never get exactly what you want, you can never use it perfectly, it always comes with drawbacks, consequences. It fills in the big picture but leaves the edges blurred in a way that he can't truly be happy with.]
I can't let anything happen to you, [he confesses quietly, as a way of explaining why he's been protecting Adam. It's easy to see why, and perhaps it doesn't need explaining, but Ronan tries anyway, finding the words in slow, uneven sentences.] I need you.
[But he shakes his head- that much of it should be evident from everything else he's said and how he's treated Adam in the past. That much of it should go unspoken, but it's his reason, selfish as it may be. Without Gansey, who else can he lean on here? It's no secret to Ronan that Adam keeps him stable, maybe even in a way that Gansey never quite managed. Adam lets him teeter and then pulls him back from the edge when things get too far. Ronan's always respected him for that.]
I wish we could go back. Fix everything. Save everyone.
[It's too idealistic of a statement for someone like Ronan Lynch, who doesn't normally share Gansey's optimism- but there it is, soft and vulnerable against the back of Adam's neck.]
It's fucking- unfair.
no subject
Adam has always been independent, has always had to be, and maybe his need for Ronan makes him weaker but he doesn't know if he cares anymore. He certainly doesn't care right now, when he's already so weak, when he wants nothing more than to stay here. The world outside the circle of Ronan's arms could cease to exist, and he doesn't think he would care.
Talking to Ronan like this is helping, is pulling him out of the state he's been in. He knows it should be more than that - that he should be remembering his responsibilities, the things he needs to do, what Gansey needs from Adam now that he's gone. But right now, Ronan is what he needs, and all he wants to do is take this comfort from him and offer what support he can in return.
It helps, feeling needed. Maybe that's selfish or self-centered, but it does.]
I wish we could too.
[More for Ronan's sake than his own. Ronan has lost so much, so many people. Adam has lost things too, but not like that. He wants the world for Ronan, he wants happiness and a home and an easy life for him. Love. Whatever he wants.]
But you can't - you can't take that on yourself. You've done so much already. You can't do everything. You can't take responsibility for the things that have happened.
[He closes his eyes, focusing only on Ronan's voice, on Ronan's arms around him, his soft breath against Adam's neck.]
I would be lost without you.
no subject
It's not that Ronan didn't do anything, it's that he's the only one who could have. In the wake of everything, prevention seems so simple, and his ill-thought countermeasures seem so childish.
But he doesn't want to sleep with a gun under his pillow. He doesn't want to always be looking over his shoulder. Maybe he has to. Maybe that's the only way he can protect everyone, but it would make him miserable. A fair trade, even he knows that, but- just the thought of it hurts a little. Maybe Adam would feel more protected that way, but Ronan doesn't ask.
Instead, he nestles closer and kisses the spot behind Adam's ear.]
We'll stay together. It's you and me- that's all that matters.
[Ronan's hand tightens on Adam's stomach, pressing closer to him, really letting himself feel the other boy's weight in his arms, letting Adam feel his comforting presence behind him.]
Just this.
no subject
[His voice is a soft murmur, mirroring Ronan's words. He shuts his eyes, though he's unlikely to fall asleep anytime soon. He just wants to shut out everything else, to focus only on this.]
I won't leave. You aren't going to be alone.
[Adam promises that even though he knows it might be beyond his power. He knows Gansey would likely have chosen to stay, if he could, because they were all here. There's no reason to think things would be any different for Adam. But he's stubborn, he always has been, stubborn and driven and so very determined. If there's any possible way for him to stay with Ronan, he will.
There's more he should say. He should say that it isn't Ronan's job to protect him, that it isn't his job to protect all of them. That it doesn't lay solely on Ronan's shoulders, that Adam will do everything he can to protect Ronan and Noah and even Henry. He knows Ronan probably needs to hear that, but right now he can barely even pull himself together to offer this much comfort. How can he protect anyone?
But he will. It's not Ronan's responsibility. It shouldn't be. Gansey asked Adam to hold them together, and so Adam will find a way, and he'll find a way to make Ronan stop blaming himself, and he'll find a way to protect them all.
It's probably impossible. He'll try anyway.]
I'll keep you safe.
no subject
[But it's a comfort to know that Adam won't leave him. To know that, even if everything else is beyond their control, Adam wouldn't leave, even if he could. Ronan would do the same- he wants the Barns more than anything, he wants the warm summers and cool autumns there, he wants the deer and the cows and even the bratty little child, but he realizes that none of that would be worth leaving Adam behind.
He strokes his thumb gently along the lower end of Adam's sternum, closing his eyes and just feeling the both of them breathe in time with one another. Ronan sometimes feels as if they're one being when they're pressed close like this, just with two separate bodies to thrum and touch and tangle up alongside one another. He knows that they're both difficult in their own way, that they both have their barriers and walls and prickliness, but when they're alone together, it feels as if all of that melts away and they can just be- this.
The guilt is still there. Adam's pain likely hasn't faded yet, and Ronan would do anything to stop it- but they're on the same page again, rested and warm and recovering together. It's the only way he wants to.]
You should get some more rest.
no subject
[It's a quiet request. He doesn't really think Ronan was planning to leave, but - he wants to be clear, he wants Ronan to know that he's wanted. Needed, maybe. Adam thinks he'll be able to sleep, or at least to drift off into something like sleep, but he doesn't want to wake to find Ronan gone.
Gansey's gone, now, disappeared between one moment and the next. Adam knows that keeping Ronan near him won't keep him from disappearing, but right now it's what he needs. Ronan going home would never be easy for him to deal with, but he's clearheaded enough to know that he's not in a very good place right now, and the idea of losing Ronan makes him feel like all the air is being leeched out of the room.
The warm presence of Ronan is keeping him stable, more than anything else right now. Cabeswater is there if he reaches for it, but Cabeswater can't bring back his hand, and he'll only have to come back to his body sooner or later anyway. He can take comfort from the sounds of leaves in a breeze, but even more from the movement of Ronan's lips against his skin. They're still here. They're together. He'll make a deal - he'll do something to fix this. When he can.
Maybe he will be able to sleep, or maybe he'll just listen to Ronan breathe until he finds a little bit of peace. Does it really matter? Is there any difference?]
no subject
[He wouldn't leave if his life depended on it. Adam is warm and soft and Ronan settles in next to him, breathing out against his skin, just letting the two of them feel in the silence. He doubts that he'll sleep- it's been difficult to sleep since it happened, and while part of him is worried about nightmares, the rest of him just doesn't think he can.
That doesn't matter now. What matters is the two of them supporting one another, keeping one another stable. Ronan knows that he's more of a risk for losing his cool than Adam is, but he doesn't want Adam to fall to that dark place, either. He's seen Adam before when he was splintering- he never wants to see it again, and he'll do whatever it takes to keep him from that point, even if it means staying away from the edge himself.
Ronan is devastated. It's always been difficult to look outside of himself when things like this happen, but right now, he has to- right now, his concern and affection for Adam have to outweigh his own listlessness. If they can't hold themselves together then they can't hold one another together- and then, where would they be?
This is better than the alternative, he thinks as he curls in just a little closer against Adam. It has to be.]