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unknowable) wrote2015-09-30 09:40 pm
unknowable) wrote2015-09-30 09:40 pm
ic inbox [hadriel]
"Please leave a message and I'll return it as soon as I'm able."
[if necessary, you can also leave a message for Ronan Lynch here]
"Please leave a message and I'll return it as soon as I'm able."
[if necessary, you can also leave a message for Ronan Lynch here]
no subject
Adam has always been independent, has always had to be, and maybe his need for Ronan makes him weaker but he doesn't know if he cares anymore. He certainly doesn't care right now, when he's already so weak, when he wants nothing more than to stay here. The world outside the circle of Ronan's arms could cease to exist, and he doesn't think he would care.
Talking to Ronan like this is helping, is pulling him out of the state he's been in. He knows it should be more than that - that he should be remembering his responsibilities, the things he needs to do, what Gansey needs from Adam now that he's gone. But right now, Ronan is what he needs, and all he wants to do is take this comfort from him and offer what support he can in return.
It helps, feeling needed. Maybe that's selfish or self-centered, but it does.]
I wish we could too.
[More for Ronan's sake than his own. Ronan has lost so much, so many people. Adam has lost things too, but not like that. He wants the world for Ronan, he wants happiness and a home and an easy life for him. Love. Whatever he wants.]
But you can't - you can't take that on yourself. You've done so much already. You can't do everything. You can't take responsibility for the things that have happened.
[He closes his eyes, focusing only on Ronan's voice, on Ronan's arms around him, his soft breath against Adam's neck.]
I would be lost without you.
no subject
It's not that Ronan didn't do anything, it's that he's the only one who could have. In the wake of everything, prevention seems so simple, and his ill-thought countermeasures seem so childish.
But he doesn't want to sleep with a gun under his pillow. He doesn't want to always be looking over his shoulder. Maybe he has to. Maybe that's the only way he can protect everyone, but it would make him miserable. A fair trade, even he knows that, but- just the thought of it hurts a little. Maybe Adam would feel more protected that way, but Ronan doesn't ask.
Instead, he nestles closer and kisses the spot behind Adam's ear.]
We'll stay together. It's you and me- that's all that matters.
[Ronan's hand tightens on Adam's stomach, pressing closer to him, really letting himself feel the other boy's weight in his arms, letting Adam feel his comforting presence behind him.]
Just this.
no subject
[His voice is a soft murmur, mirroring Ronan's words. He shuts his eyes, though he's unlikely to fall asleep anytime soon. He just wants to shut out everything else, to focus only on this.]
I won't leave. You aren't going to be alone.
[Adam promises that even though he knows it might be beyond his power. He knows Gansey would likely have chosen to stay, if he could, because they were all here. There's no reason to think things would be any different for Adam. But he's stubborn, he always has been, stubborn and driven and so very determined. If there's any possible way for him to stay with Ronan, he will.
There's more he should say. He should say that it isn't Ronan's job to protect him, that it isn't his job to protect all of them. That it doesn't lay solely on Ronan's shoulders, that Adam will do everything he can to protect Ronan and Noah and even Henry. He knows Ronan probably needs to hear that, but right now he can barely even pull himself together to offer this much comfort. How can he protect anyone?
But he will. It's not Ronan's responsibility. It shouldn't be. Gansey asked Adam to hold them together, and so Adam will find a way, and he'll find a way to make Ronan stop blaming himself, and he'll find a way to protect them all.
It's probably impossible. He'll try anyway.]
I'll keep you safe.
no subject
[But it's a comfort to know that Adam won't leave him. To know that, even if everything else is beyond their control, Adam wouldn't leave, even if he could. Ronan would do the same- he wants the Barns more than anything, he wants the warm summers and cool autumns there, he wants the deer and the cows and even the bratty little child, but he realizes that none of that would be worth leaving Adam behind.
He strokes his thumb gently along the lower end of Adam's sternum, closing his eyes and just feeling the both of them breathe in time with one another. Ronan sometimes feels as if they're one being when they're pressed close like this, just with two separate bodies to thrum and touch and tangle up alongside one another. He knows that they're both difficult in their own way, that they both have their barriers and walls and prickliness, but when they're alone together, it feels as if all of that melts away and they can just be- this.
The guilt is still there. Adam's pain likely hasn't faded yet, and Ronan would do anything to stop it- but they're on the same page again, rested and warm and recovering together. It's the only way he wants to.]
You should get some more rest.
no subject
[It's a quiet request. He doesn't really think Ronan was planning to leave, but - he wants to be clear, he wants Ronan to know that he's wanted. Needed, maybe. Adam thinks he'll be able to sleep, or at least to drift off into something like sleep, but he doesn't want to wake to find Ronan gone.
Gansey's gone, now, disappeared between one moment and the next. Adam knows that keeping Ronan near him won't keep him from disappearing, but right now it's what he needs. Ronan going home would never be easy for him to deal with, but he's clearheaded enough to know that he's not in a very good place right now, and the idea of losing Ronan makes him feel like all the air is being leeched out of the room.
The warm presence of Ronan is keeping him stable, more than anything else right now. Cabeswater is there if he reaches for it, but Cabeswater can't bring back his hand, and he'll only have to come back to his body sooner or later anyway. He can take comfort from the sounds of leaves in a breeze, but even more from the movement of Ronan's lips against his skin. They're still here. They're together. He'll make a deal - he'll do something to fix this. When he can.
Maybe he will be able to sleep, or maybe he'll just listen to Ronan breathe until he finds a little bit of peace. Does it really matter? Is there any difference?]
no subject
[He wouldn't leave if his life depended on it. Adam is warm and soft and Ronan settles in next to him, breathing out against his skin, just letting the two of them feel in the silence. He doubts that he'll sleep- it's been difficult to sleep since it happened, and while part of him is worried about nightmares, the rest of him just doesn't think he can.
That doesn't matter now. What matters is the two of them supporting one another, keeping one another stable. Ronan knows that he's more of a risk for losing his cool than Adam is, but he doesn't want Adam to fall to that dark place, either. He's seen Adam before when he was splintering- he never wants to see it again, and he'll do whatever it takes to keep him from that point, even if it means staying away from the edge himself.
Ronan is devastated. It's always been difficult to look outside of himself when things like this happen, but right now, he has to- right now, his concern and affection for Adam have to outweigh his own listlessness. If they can't hold themselves together then they can't hold one another together- and then, where would they be?
This is better than the alternative, he thinks as he curls in just a little closer against Adam. It has to be.]