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[Everything is honestly a little blurry to Adam. He slept so little - the absolute minimum he could, only allowing himself to rest when his body could no longer take it, when it forced him to sleep whether he wanted to or not. And that always put him in a bad mood, and after shorting himself of sleep so badly it was never enough to really feel rested. So Adam has been either angry or exhausted for days, the anger upsetting him and the exhaustion blurring everything so it's just a long, hazy memory of sharp words and weariness.

He remembers the fight, though. And he remembers the days since then, his angered avoidance of Ronan. He was out of the house most of the time anyway, trying to find things to occupy him and keep him awake, and when he was home - well, they both seemed to be avoiding each other. He missed Ronan, but he wasn't willing to try to mend things when Ronan didn't seem to want to, and he was too constantly irritated in general for the effort it would take.

He regrets that now. It was the gods, he knows, it wasn't really them, but - he doesn't like fighting with Ronan, and he especially doesn't like that it lasted so long. For the last couple days, he's been at the clinic - snatching sleep there when he has no other choice, not even bothering to go home. The fog rose, though, the anger disappeared as if it had never been, and then Adam was too exhausted to go home. He collapsed into an empty bed and slept for hours, and it still wasn't really enough but he had a shift to get to, had things to do.

He's going home after. He's going to find Ronan and apologize, and then maybe sleep some more. He feels better, but he's still tired.

It's a surprise to hear Ronan's voice, though he doesn't know why. Maybe only because it's been longer than usual, only because the last time they spoke it ended badly.]

Ronan? I'm in here.

Hey.

[Ronan looks the same as ever, hands pressed into his coat pockets as he moves toward the back room with the spare cots strewn about it. He's not surprised to find Adam in there, straightening things up here and there, and Ronan leans his shoulder against the doorframe, noting the made-up bed with a little bit of a grim recollection of exactly what had caused their earlier fight.

He doesn't want to say, so you finally got some sleep then, because even if the event is over, Ronan still doesn't want to risk getting into all of this again, so he simply nods out his approval and leverages his gaze against the slender boy working in the room.]

Came to get you.

[As if there's another reason he's here. Ronan isn't very good at opening this sort of thing up, so he's a little more gruff than usual, but it's the type of emotion that's more insecure than it is aggressive. He clears his throat, pushing his hands further into his jacket pockets, making the front of it go tight with tension.]

And to- talk, I guess.

[It's good to see Ronan. That's the base of it, the only thing that really matters. They've grown so close here, Adam's gotten so used to waking up next to Ronan and maybe eating a meal with him, maybe Ronan showing up to walk him home from the clinic, moments together throughout the day until he falls asleep next to Ronan, too. They aren't inseparable, they aren't - well, they might be a tiny bit codependent, because Adam doesn't want to consider going on without Ronan here. But they're together, they're an essential part of each other's lives.

He was angry and exhausted, upset about their fight, and so Adam didn't really have the capacity to understand how much he missed that. It's the stupid little things - Ronan's hand resting on his back, the slight quirk of his lips that's almost a smile, the way his eyes always seem to flicker to Adam when he enters a room.

Adam missed it. It was his fault, at least partially, but he's realizing now how much he missed it when they were avoiding each other.

He puts down the sheets he was folding, turns to Ronan. He doesn't know what Ronan is intending to say, and honestly, in that moment he doesn't really care. He says what he needs to say.]

I'm sorry I blew up at you like that. It wasn't entirely me, but - I should have known that, and I should have been more careful. I never wanted to fight with you.

[Adam isn't so great at apologizing, but he's worked at it, especially after his fractured friendship with Gansey back home, after that difficult summer. He has to be able to bend, or else things will break that he doesn't want to break. And he never wants to break this. Unlike the fight, this time his apology is sincere. It's measured, careful, honest.

At the end, he looks away. Apologies are difficult. Vulnerability is harder, even with Ronan.]

I missed you.

[Ronan is quiet while Adam speaks, letting him apologize- though it's hard, because he wants to step in and dismiss everything the instant he realizes that Adam feels just as guilty as he does. He doesn't want Adam to force his own vulnerability, he doesn't want to admit his own- he just wants to keep going like they've come to do in the past, together and soft and attentive.

But he lets Adam finish because he can tell that it's important to him, even if it makes the both of them a little uncomfortable. It's something that Adam feels like he needs to say, and when he's done, Ronan can only nod and move in closer, closing the distance between the two of them and wrapping his arms around Adam's shoulders in a firm hug.

It's good to have Adam's warmth against him again, the familiar feeling of his floppy hair brushing against his cheek, his narrow shoulders folded against Ronan's chest. Ronan closes his eyes and just feels him there for a moment, relieved, before speaking quietly into Adam's working ear.]

I didn't mean it. You know I didn't.

[It was whatever Rage had done, and it fucked with them both until it started that fight. Ronan wouldn't have said any of that if not for this event, and he knows that Adam feels the same. That's all he needs right now.]

I'm sorry.

[He slips his arms around Ronan's waist, holds on to him, presses his face into Ronan's neck. The simple touch of skin on skin, Ronan's arms around him, does wonders. He needed to apologize, needed to say it, because even if it wasn't entirely him he doesn't ever want to be like his father. He doesn't want to lash out needlessly, and even if he can't stop himself from being angry sometimes, he wants to be the kind of person who will apologize afterward. The kind of person who won't hurt someone without trying to make it better.

He knows he'll never really be able to be the kind of person who won't hurt anyone at all. But this, this is something he can be. It's what Ronan deserves, too. And Ronan came here to find him, and even apologized too - which is even now a rare thing, at least when it involves words.]

Neither of us meant it.

[And they both know that, and even so Adam wanted to apologize.

He pulls back, enough to look up at Ronan. He would have gone to look for Ronan, after his work was done, but the fact that Ronan came to find him means a lot. Things like that are tiny, might be meaningless to other people, but they're the sort of thing Adam never had. He's learning all of this, has been for the last year or so, because he never learned how to fight and make up as a child.

It's easier than he thought. His father never apologized, because that would mean taking responsibility for his actions. But Adam thinks it's easier if you do. If you hurt something, you can fix it.]

Are you okay?

[Ronan nods quietly at the question, letting Adam pull back when he wants to, but still keeping him close, close enough that his jacket is brushed up against Adam's shirt and their feet are almost touching on the ground. And he's just- he's so vivid up close like this, angular and nimble, like some kind of fucking deer, and Ronan reaches up to cup the side of Adam's neck in his hand, thumb brushing against his cheekbone, and breathes out a soft sigh of relief as some of his earlier tension bleeds out of him.

He's tender here, even if he's silent, because Ronan doesn't usually know what to say but he knows what to do, and he thinks that Adam understands his actions more than he'd understand words anyway, so he lets that speak for him instead, the gentle affection, the apology and reconciliation through touch.

He hadn't meant any of it. He knows that he said that already, but he didn't- he just wanted Adam to be safe and take care of himself, and then everything had spiraled in such an irrational way, that he doesn't really know what to do about it. But it's better now- it's over, and they've more or less said what needed to be said, done what needed to be done, and so Ronan allows Adam a modicum of space, relieved more than he can really convey.]

Thanks.

[It's murmured quietly as more of an afterthought, once he realizes that he's just standing there like a dumbass when Adam had asked him a question. Ronan nods afterward, letting his hand slide down Adam's arm in parting as he steps back.]

Edited 2017-01-05 15:04 (UTC)

[He catches Ronan's hand before he can step away and tugs him closer. Adam doesn't want any distance between them yet. He missed this, he missed Ronan - he hates that they fought, hates more that it lasted so long. Ronan's touch relaxes him, his nearness soothes some of the tension that Adam has been holding. And Ronan is okay, he's safe, nothing happened to him. Adam worried, of course he did.

He leans in and presses his lips to Ronan's, a gentle and chaste kiss.]

I should have come straight home.

[But responsibility always weighs heavy on Adam's shoulders, and he's not one to abandon a shift at the clinic when someone might end up needing help. Still, with Ronan here now, the depth of Adam's feelings for him are brought to the forefront of his mind, and he doesn't know why he didn't go straight home. Screw the clinic.

He hasn't let go of Ronan's hand yet. He wants a few more moments like this, pressed close together, the world around them ceasing to matter.]

You're alright.

[He tells him, dismissing the responsibility immediately. It's not either of their faults, and besides, Adam has responsibilities here, unlike Ronan who just brings useful things in sometimes.

The kiss is sweet, and he returns it in kind, carding his fingers through Adam's hair to press his fingers along the back of his neck, keep him close if he wants to stay that way. Ronan exhales slowly through his nose and leans in, pressing their foreheads together- because no matter what, he still has Adam. It begins and it ends with the two of them, that's all that matters.]

We good?

[He asks as if he doesn't already know the answer- of course they are. They both apologized and it was an event anyway, none of it was really real. Still, it's good to get a final say in the matter, if nothing else, then to make sure that everything is resolve neatly an that there's no lingering negative feelings that could hurt them later.]

[He loves these careful gestures, Ronan expressing his affection through touch and intimacy. It's something Adam never had before him, and something that he often feels like he'll never get enough of. So he's reluctant to pull away, even if he knows they should - they can't just stand around cuddling in the clinic.

Though granted they've done worse.

He closes his eyes for a moment, tangling their fingers together and squeezing.]

We're good.

[Of course they are. There was never any doubt, not really. But it helps to hear it - it helps them both for it to be said, for everything to be uncovered and open. Adam doesn't want either of them to worry over this later.]

You gonna walk me home?

Is that even a question?

[He shoots back, adding a little more levity to his tone so he can pull back and return to his normal self again- their normal selves, outside of the small bubble they've created for themselves in this room. And Ronan loves it, he adores how he can be with Adam sometimes, but there's an end for everything.

Besides, he likes joking around with Adam almost as much as being tender with him (albeit, for different reasons), and so Ronan keeps a hold on one of his hands and tugs him toward the door.]

It's the damnedest thing- Chainsaw knows when we fight now. [Ronan jabbers a little, despite his customary silence- mostly, just because he's happy to have Adam back.] She'll bring me your shit when you're not home. I've got a fucking pile of like, your pencils and your cooking spoons and your socks just sitting on my chair.

[Adam smiles at the thought of that, and at the warmth of Ronan's hand holding his.]

She's so smart.

[It does make sense that she would notice the difference in Ronan when Adam's not around, and it makes sense that she'd worry. She's sort of a part of Ronan, after all. Adam misses her, too, though he had Aspen, who was worried in his own way.

The dog isn't quite as intelligent as Chainsaw, but he does wag his tail in happiness when he sees Ronan. He's sitting with Adam's backpack by the door of the clinic, since a dog wandering around an environment that should be sterile - or at least very clean - isn't a great idea. Adam picks up his backpack with his free hand, slinging it over his shoulder, and Aspen rises to his feet to follow them, coming up next to Ronan to lick at his hand.]

I'll have to find her some treats. As an apology, you know?

You don't need to apologize.

[Ronan ruffles the fingers of his spare hand over Aspen's head when they break off, letting the dog lick at his hand before rubbing lightly under his chin. All these months later, it still feels strange to him to have this creature with them- created in Adam's mind, linked to Ronan's soul, brought to life and endlessly devoted to the both of them, though of course, Adam is its master.

Still, Aspen is sweet and Ronan sees no point in treating him any differently than he'd treat Chainsaw, and so he always just lets it go. He knows that Adam is more protected than ever with Aspen around- the dog follows him to the clinic, to the orchard, wherever he wants to go and Ronan remembers that it was created to save him- so why would real life be any different?]

I'm sure she wouldn't say no to treats, though.

[She never does. Ronan smiles at the thought.]

[Adam has never been the type of person who needs to feel safe - that would be impossible, considering how rarely he has ever felt safe - but he likes having Aspen around, both for companionship and for an extra layer of protection. He's too practical, too careful to ever be willing to adopt a pet of his own. Too afraid he might hurt them. But Aspen wasn't a choice, so it's okay to keep him, to take care of him and play with him and get attached to him.

He pushes through the clinic door and out onto the street, hand still firmly in Ronan's.]

I've got to win her over again. I'm sure she won't be happy with me for leaving.

[He loves Chainsaw too, because she's clever and impossible and lovely, because she's part of Ronan. Adam did miss her, like he missed Ronan, like he missed being able to climb in to bed next to him and kiss him in the morning and shove his feet off the couch when he puts them up.]

[Chainsaw loves Adam back- that fact could never be disputed. She's a part of Ronan after all, created from his very soul, and Ronan loves Adam with his entire heart. There's no winning over to be done, but if Adam is sure then Ronan isn't about to argue, as he never does when it benefits Chainsaw or something else he loves in some way.]

Alright. Might want to get your shit off my chair when we get home, though.

[He's not saying that it should be Adam's first priority, but it definitely should be something he decides to do eventually. But beyond that- they're still holding hands and making their way home, as they have dozens of times in the past. Ronan could close his eyes and recite the steps by heart now, and the fact that he's with Adam again makes it all the more comforting.]

I could just let her keep it. Start a collection.

[He looks at Ronan, a quick glance, and smiles.]

That wasn't the first thing I was planning on doing when we get home, anyway.

[There's a long list of things that come before that, and cleaning up Chainsaw's mess is pretty far down. He wants to win Chainsaw over again, of course, but he wants to make sure Ronan knows how much Adam dislikes being apart, even if it was his choice at the time. And he wants to nap, afterward - he's still tired, his body is still not happy with the amount of sleep he forced it to miss.

So really, cleaning up after Chainsaw is something he might get around to. Eventually.]

Yeah, you should probably crash.

[Ronan reaches out, letting go of Adam's hand to wrap two fingers in his belt loops and tug him closer, knocking their hips together. It's a gentle gesture of affection, and it's nice to mess with Adam a little again, after the fight that they'd had. Ronan has always been a physical creature, in the way he fights and the way he shoulders up to any possible disagreement- it's not a stretch of the imagination to think that his adoration would be the same.]

Preferably in bed. With me.

[He reaches out to slip his arm around Ronan's waist so they're walking close together, bumping with each step. It's not the most comfortable position, so he won't keep Ronan close long, but he can't resist doing it for a moment or two.]

I did just take a nap. I might need to use up some of this energy.

[That is not true, he could likely sleep for hours. But he'd rather spend some of those hours with Ronan.]

Let's get home and I'll show you.

As long as you're responsible about it.

[He tells him on a grin, leaning over to kiss at Adam's cheek like a conspirator, before pulling away so that the two of them can walk normally again, though he doesn't like the side effect of being further away from Adam.]

I won't make you work for it.

[And Ronan says it like it's an offer that he's conceding to Adam, or a favor he's granting him.]

You know me. Always responsible.

[He reaches out to tug gently on Ronan's hand, not quite wanting to step away from him yet, though he gives in to the necessity of needing to walk home.]

You used to get so mad when I'd flirt with you. I like this better.

[Not that Ronan wasn't justified. Adam should not have been flirting when he hadn't yet decided to pursue this - he just couldn't help himself sometimes. It's ridiculous, thinking back on it. He was very stupid. He should have realized much earlier what that meant, but Adam has always been a victim of overthinking.]

[Ronan arches a critical brow toward Adam, before letting out an over-exaggerated scoff and looking back out toward the street as he veers the two of them closer together at Adam's silent request.]

Don't be a dumbass.

[He doesn't really know what else to say to that. He remembers back before they'd gotten together, when Adam would look at him and Ronan had been waiting for Adam to say something, and it felt like he never would. The teasing, flirting, whatever, only made everything worse, when he wanted him so very much.

It's different now, though. Ronan is thankful for it.]

[He runs his thumb across the back of Ronan's hand, gentle.]

I wanted you, but I was afraid.

[It's simple and plain, the only true explanation. He wanted Ronan so badly, but was afraid of so many things. Of hurting Ronan, mostly. But he hasn't yet, and even now when they've fought they manage to come back together whole. He remembers his fears, and he still worries about some of those things now, but the knowledge that they kept him from this for so long - well.]

It seems so stupid now.

I guess I was to.

[Ronan says, misinterpreting Adam's fear- because the idea that Adam would hurt him is something so foreign that Ronan wouldn't even have considered it as a first option. It's far easier to attribute fear to Ronan's all-too-familiar struggle of self-knowledge and understanding.

He doesn't blame Adam for being afraid- not when it took him so long to overcome his own fear. It's just that it was hard, getting through Adam's fear together. But they did, and now, on the other side of it all, he's happy it turned out like this.]

[He looks over at Ronan and smiles, full of fondness and affection. He is sorry that he made Ronan wait so long - if he didn't have such a tendency to need to think things through, to overthink them, this could have happened much faster. But they got there, they're here now.]

Let's get home. I have a lot to make up for.

[It's his way of an apology, for their fight and for putting Ronan through so much just to be with him. This apology will probably involve less sorries and more blowjobs, though.]

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