Aᴅᴀᴍ Pᴀʀʀɪsʜ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
unknowable) wrote2015-06-01 08:07 am
unknowable) wrote2015-06-01 08:07 am
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ic inbox [box]
"Please leave a message and I'll return it as soon as I'm able."
[if necessary, you can also leave a message for Ronan Lynch here]
"Please leave a message and I'll return it as soon as I'm able."
[if necessary, you can also leave a message for Ronan Lynch here]
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The present is just as important as the future. Adam has always been a cautious boy.]
He deserves to know. We all do.
[Adam is still processing it. They really are trapped, though they might eventually be free. At least things at home are all right. At least nothing will be destroyed by their kidnapping.]
I guess we aren't quite real anymore.
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the present is, in fact, as important as the future. maybe moreso, because gansey can't even picture a future beyond finding glendower.]
Of course we're real. That's not your original body, and I'm on body two, but you're still Parrish and I'm still Gansey. The essence of Adam Parrish is what they took. Cabeswater is with you, so you can't possibly be not real.
It doesn't change anything we've talked about re: staying safe and together. These days aren't any less important than a day at home. We have extra time, Adam. Terrible things are inevitably going to happen, but we can also do and feel things that there just aren't time for at home. Every day always matters, because we're living them.
[gansey is rather passionate about this, because now that they're so close to glendower, he feels like things have turned from a gentle slope to a sheer cliff that will drop him into the complete, purposeless unknown once they reach the edge. he doesn't know how to have an after glendower. but they've all been given the opportunity to have things now, even if they'll lose them later.]
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[It's a complicated thought, confused and tangled as Adam's often are, and he's not sure he can explain it properly. It's not necessarily a bad thing, though. It means the pain they experience won't always be real, either. He'll go home eventually, and he won't remember Gansey spitting up blood and seizing and dying in front of him.
Not that that means Gansey will be safe at home. Adam knows that far too well.]
I feel enough like me that I can't doubt I am. And I agree, mostly. What we do here matters even if it isn't real in the end.
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There are two 'I's now, the one here and the one at home. Both are just as real, and each of us will always be ourselves, no matter what. All things end, Adam. That doesn't make them less real for it. The other I won't remember this I, but that doesn't mean the I that's here is meaningless.
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[On everything, really, they're just coming at it from different directions. Gansey sees it as hopeful, in a way, maybe even freeing. Adam fears the possibilities that could arise. But it's something he can live with. Something he has to live with.]
Thank you for telling me.
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You needed to know. I'll figure out how to tell Ronan.
Take the chances you're given, Parrish. This place is a horror, but that's even more reason to gather every light offered. I won't let us fall apart, no matter what.
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[And he willfully ignores anything else Gansey might have meant by those words.]
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Yes, we'll see. I'm just telling you so if they come up, you know.
Be kind to yourself, Parrish.
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But I never ask anything of you that I'm not demanding from myself.
[and if he has to demand it of himself...well. certainly that says something.]
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We'll be all right, Gansey.
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My head knows that.
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I'm trying.
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Or send it, I guess.
about 5 minutes later, considerably slower than previous texts.
It will be better once we're together again, right?
[tell me i'm doing the right thing, adam. tell me that things are going to go back to how they were, sort of. tell me that i can keep everything from falling apart again, somehow.
why is it he always asks these questions of adam, the person least likely to entertain his self-doubt?]
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But we are all here, Gansey. Even if we're not next to each other.
[Not quite all. Blue is missing. But Adam thinks that's for the best, and it's better than if Ronan or Gansey was. Not because she's not important, not because of the messy history between them, but because the four of them here have an equilibrium, had one before she came along. They can go on without her in a way they couldn't if they were missing one of the others.
(Ronan or Gansey, really. Adam is a newcomer too, in his own way, and Noah is something else. But Ronan and Gansey could go on without them, always have been able to.)]
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the impulse in gansey is strong to point out that no, blue isn't here, that her absence is a nearly-five-foot-tall girl-shaped hole in their group. except adam is right, he doesn't want jane involved in any of this, and if he had to choose between them...well, he'd choose any of his ravens to be beside him over her in this horrible place. not because she isn't resourceful or strong or smart, but because peace with jane is even more tenuous than peace with adam can be, and gansey can't exist right now with the worry of her coming to harm and the endless anxiety of saying the wrong thing amped to jane levels.]
You're right, as usual. Thoroughly trouncing me in the contest of keeping a cool head lately, Parrish.
Thanks.
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[Anxiety, of course, has never been Adam's problem. He has a laundry list of others, but even if he worries sometimes, anxiety is nowhere near the top of that list.]
Take care of yourself.
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[really, that was meant to be an apology for his recent behavior, which he knows isn't something adam is in any way prepared to deal with. nobody is meant to be dealing with gansey like this, as far as gansey himself is concerned. expressing negative emotions in public is just untoward and to be avoided at all costs.]
I will. You too.
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