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It doesn't give me the right to behave like that. Not to any of you. It's not like I had to live through that time. Noah told me you helped him a lot. And I know you helped Ronan. You'll say you didn't do enough, but nobody expects you to be Gansey. They want you to be you, and so do I. Even I didn't know how important Gansey is.

[in third person, as though he isn't quite the gansey they all need so badly.]

So I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you for making sure none of you woke up in that room with me.

Of course you're important. Without you, we wouldn't be anything to each other. You are the center of us. And everything is worse here. We have nothing but each other.

[Somehow, it's easier to say these sort of things over text. Face-to-face, it might be too much for Adam.]

What I did was selfish, it doesn't deserve thanks. I couldn't have kept going if I'd lost someone else.

It didn't occur to me what that really meant until that morning. I don't know what I was thinking. But I'm going to do my damnedest not to ever leave you again, as much as this place lets me.

[the honesty from adam is surprising, but then again, maybe not. the distance offered by text on a screen means that adam doesn't have to show himself being vulnerable, has the space of typing to give him room to think. maybe this is how they should always talk when there's something important to say.]

It doesn't matter if it was selfish, Adam. I didn't think you did it for me, I wasn't there. But you still did it. You think it wasn't enough, but it obviously was because you all survived despite everything. Sometimes just enough really is enough. It's not like I know how to fix this either. But we'll all figure it out. So let me thank you for managing what I couldn't, and take it for what it is.

Edited 2015-07-01 13:44 (UTC)

We'll try to keep you safe, as well. We should have done better.

[He says 'we', but of course he really means 'I'. He's never going to stop blaming himself. That first vision, in the tree - it's not something Adam can forget.]

I fell apart, too. I just couldn't let Ronan or Noah follow you. But as much as I can take any credit for anything, I guess I can say you're welcome. You came back to enough of a mess already. I'm just glad it wasn't any worse.

You've got a pretty good track record of keeping me safe, but I don't think even my Magician and Greywaren could save me from a dastardly, mundane bottle of water. Pretty stupid way to go, when you think about it. I know you will always persist in believing that you should somehow have done better, known something, found a solution, had all the answers. That's just Adam Parrish. But you're good enough for me, okay? Right now, whatever you think you did or didn't do, Adam Parrish is one of the only three people who matter to me here. We're all in pieces right now, but we have each other. We'll make that be enough.

We don't have any other choice. But we can't lose you again. Be careful, Gansey. What's true about me is true about you - you are one of the only people here who matters. I'm sure it's not easy, having people like us depending on you, but we do.

[adam's right, it's not easy. he's struggling under the weight of the realization of it, since he can barely hold himself together. on the other hand, though, it's a purpose. it's a reason to hold himself together, to keep inching onward and upward.]

You won't lose me again. I don't think I could bear it either. And you aren't a burden, not any of you, so don't even start with that. Without you guys there wouldn't even be a point to anything. And things don't have to be easy to be worth it. You, out of all of us, would know that.

We are a burden, but we try to do what we can to make up for it. If you need something, just ask. There are a lot of things I'm terrible at, but I'll try.

Watching you die was awful.

If you want to be a burden so badly, at least admit that it was my choice to take it on. None of you belong to me, but together we're something that's more than the sum of its parts, me included. All I want is for you to see that I need you at least as much as you need me. Coming to me when things are bad doesn't mean you aren't your own person. Just a person with friends.

[there's a pause between those messages and the next. he doesn't know if he should tell adam this. adam understands a lot, but he doesn't understand dying the way noah and gansey do. he hasn't done it before. gansey died not doubting he would return, because the concept of anything else was unthinkable.]

I don't remember it. Dying. Ronan had my hand and I think you did too, and Noah's hand was cold on my head and that felt nice. I told you I wasn't afraid. My brain felt weird, like there were sparks in it. And then nothing, just waking up on that table.

[He's not going to respond to most of that. He's still working on himself, still ever so slowly accepting that he can ask for help, or at least accept it when it's offered, and it won't change him. It won't make him belong to someone like he belonged to his father. He doesn't have to do everything all on his own.

He does know that, after the courtroom and nearly losing himself in a vision and the cave. But he's not quite accepted it yet, not really. It isn't easy.]

It didn't hurt?

[gansey didn't expect a response to most of it. he doesn't think adam has one yet. it's a work in progress, one that will be in progress for a long time, that in the end has to be shown more than told. gansey will just have to make sure that he's there for adam as much as he possibly can be.]

By the time I called you all, nothing really hurt anymore. What happened that you would think it hurt?

Everything. You were spitting up blood

no, never mind

I'm glad you're back.

[there's a long moment before gansey answers. he's putting the pieces together: the sparking feeling in his brain, the fact that he remembers nothing, that adam says 'spitting up' instead of 'coughing up', the fact that this is a subject everyone has been avoiding.]

I had a seizure? People don't remember having them. I wasn't there anymore, but I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm glad I'm back too.

None of it was easy to see, Gansey. Not one second of it.

I'm sorry. I thought about it most of the night, whether to call. It seemed crueler to not tell. For all of you. Maybe I was wrong.

No. Don't be an idiot. I would rather have been there. I just don't want it to happen again. Ever.

Sorry. Still trying to sort out this post-resurrection business. That makes two of us. This is technically my third life now, that seems a bit much. You don't get to die either. Or the other two.

I'd rather we all stay alive from now on. If we're careful it shouldn't be impossible.

Especially now we have a better idea exactly how careful we need to be. Maybe you and I should find someone to teach us more advanced first aid. You know more than me, but two of us prepared would be better than one.

I've been thinking of that as well. I'll ask around and see what I can find.

Great minds and all that. There has to be someone willing to teach, especially since we can't seem to go a week without a life-threatening incident.

Be careful until then. And after. All the time, really.

Trust me, if nothing else I have been inspired to be *extremely* careful. You too. We all need to be careful. Talk to you soon, Adam. Don't be a text-stranger.

I'll try. For both.

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