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"Please leave a message and I'll return it as soon as I'm able."

[if necessary, you can also leave a message for Ronan Lynch here]

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[He doesn't say that faith in Gansey is the one thing all of them have in spades. Even when he doesn't know what he's doing, even when he does stupid things or pisses Adam off. Being perfect and all-knowing is not a requirement for Adam's faith. It never has been.]

It wasn't Blue's fault. She had every right to make her own choice, and I - that wasn't a great time for me.

[He'd only just left home, and he'd thought he was going insane. It had strained his friendship with Gansey nearly to the breaking point, too. Can he really blame Blue, when all she did was look at him and see what was there, instead of what she'd imagined was there?

In the end, it was only a reminder of what he is. Not enough, in anyone's eyes, even his own. Especially his own. What Ronan sees - Adam doesn't know. It's not Blue's fault that Adam has always been told he's worthless, nothing. It's not her fault that part of him believes that, no matter how he fights to be more. It's definitely not her fault that every rejection drills that into him more. He knows that, he just - can't overcome it. He doesn't know how.]

But, I mean. She wasn't wrong. That's all still me, and Ronan deserves a lot more.

She did have every right to make the choice. But making up who you are in her head, jerking you around about the kissing business, and then being disappointed that's not you instead of finding out who you are in the first place...less okay. Still human, not exactly her fault, but less okay.

[gansey gives a little sigh. ]

Thing is, Parrish, you're good for him. I've kept him in Aglionby, but you're the one who talked him into studying so he passed his finals. You're the one he goes to when he wants to escape, not me, and better he spend the night drunk on your floor than out racing. You fight, but it doesn't mean anything, really. Between the two of us, we balance him out. And he balances you out. I'm just here to be the idiot everyone follows so we're all going somewhere.

Ronan deserves to decide for himself what he wants. So do you. If Ronan Lynch, speed demon, is willing to wait for something, that tells you just about everything you need to know about how much he values it. He's made his decision, and he'll wait for you to make yours. I don't know what any of us can do to make you believe you're what we see. Nobody's calling you perfect, but you've seen plenty of Ronan at school, or even here. He doesn't have a damned second of time for anything worthless to him.

I didn't talk him into anything.

[It's the one thing he can correct, really, and so he does. He never said anything to Ronan about studying - he never had to. They've never talked about it, Adam throwing away his home and family to keep Ronan from getting kicked out, Ronan taking care to make sure the sacrifice wasn't pointless. They probably never will talk about it, it was months ago, and neither of them are the type to unearth old pain. Adam doesn't want to think about that night. He doubts Ronan does, either.]

And you know you're a lot more than that, Gansey. I don't want to do anything that might... make things difficult.

[For all of them. If he tried, and things didn't work out, it would be disastrous. Adam knows his own faults, probably better than anyone. He knows he's insecure and jealous and more easily angered than he'd like to be. It would be too easy to hurt Ronan, too easy to upset the balance of all of their friendships. He's desperately afraid of losing Ronan, of losing all of them.]

I don't know. I'm lucky he's willing to give me time.

[He laughs, though there isn't much amusement in it. He is beyond lucky to be the focus of Ronan's desires at all, as frightening as it is. Adam is incredibly aware of that.]

With the dreams, and the ley lines, and this - it's just not a great situation for figuring out this sort of stuff.

[gansey sighs, and his voice goes quiet.]

All right. Not talked, but...he did that for you, and you know it. I've pulled more favors than he'll ever know to keep him in school so he can get his inheritance, but even the threat of losing everything didn't compare to what you did for him. The things you do, even the littlest ones, they mean something to him. He just expects it from me.

[and that's true enough. ronan expects gansey there to hold him back, to drag him back kicking and screaming if that's what it takes. sometimes it has. adam does something else, something gansey can't often do. he makes ronan decide to be better.]

All right, I'm more than that. But so are you. But when aren't things difficult? There's always something. You two will have your spats, I'm positive, since you do already, and I'll play Switzerland, since I do that so well. Just because something isn't easy doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do. You'd know that better than most of us.

But I agree with you, right now is a pretty damn awful time to try to be figuring it out. That's...not really what I'm trying to tell you to do. You have time. Use it wisely and look at what's really there, not just what you've been taught to think of yourself. Trust me, if I thought you were bad for each other, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

[gansey may be naive, but he's not that naive, and he loves his friends above all other things. he'd never let ronan and adam hurt each other on purpose, not like this.]

[Adam looks down at his hands, playing with the fork. He knows that Ronan cares about him, even if it's hard to understand why. He knows it's rather miraculous that he, of all people, is the one Ronan wants. What he's afraid of is not being able to return that the way Ronan deserves. Being too distant, too quiet, too angry. What is love supposed to look like, really? How is it supposed to feel?

The jury's still out on whether it even exists, but Adam knows that, if nothing else, he cares deeply for Ronan - for all of his friends, what few there are. That's why he's so afraid.]

I know. I'm going to try.

[Part of the problem, actually, is that it does seem easy. He likes Ronan, Ronan likes him. He wants Ronan, Ronan wants him. It would be the easiest thing in the world to just go along with it. But Adam doesn't trust anything that seems so easy, especially when he knows what a walking time bomb he can be, especially when he wants so much to keep from hurting Ronan.]

I don't want to put this on your shoulders, Gansey. I - it's good to have someone to talk to, but I don't want you to feel responsible for anything that might happen. If I mess this up. I just wanted you to know that I talked to him.

[Because he did promise, after all.]

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