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[It is super annoying when Gansey's right. But they did talk about this, not so long ago. Adam has to accept that, even if he doesn't think he's being too hard on himself, even if he thinks he should have been able to do something. He wants to argue, he really does, but he shoves a piece of pancake in his mouth instead, and nods. It's the most agreement he's able to give right now. It'll still weigh on him, but he can't keep arguing, not when they've already covered this ground.

He's quiet for a moment, eating.]

He said he'd wait.

[He knows that Gansey doesn't want to get involved in this - thing between him and Ronan. He knows Gansey is probably not at all pleased that they're both too emotionally stunted to just deal with things on their own. So he's trying to keep it short, not dump all his confusion and fear on Gansey, who really doesn't deserve any of it. Gansey just deserves to know that Adam did what he promised back on the train.]

So - it's okay, I guess. He wasn't too mad.

[gansey lives for these moments of being super annoyingly right. if only he knew one was happening so he could feel proud of himself. instead, he gives adam space and time to answer, even if that answer comes in the form of slightly passive-aggressive pancake chewing. (ronan would approve of his not!boyfriend accidentally participating in an internet meme.) then he gets his real answer, and nods. nothing surprising there.]

No offense, Adam, but you seem to be quite a distance from okay. Perhaps on an overseas vacation from okay. There was also that conversation about complaining to each other.

[Gansey is really on a roll today. As a reward, he gets a quick, annoyed look from Adam. They did talk about complaining to each other, but - Adam doesn't think they meant this. He doesn't think Gansey has any desire to hear about his own insecurities or his feelings for Ronan. Not again, anyway. They'd fought the last time.]

Am I supposed to be okay? I don't know what I'm doing.

[He shrugs, looks down at the pancakes he's almost finished with. There's plenty more where they came from.]

I just don't want to mess everything up for all of us. Like I did with Blue.

You aren't supposed to be anything.

[for a fraction of a second, gansey looks pained at the mention of blue, but it turns into looking painfully honest.]

You didn't mess everything up for all of us with Blue. Jane...Jane saw what she wanted to see in you, which wasn't you at all. When it turned out that you weren't the person she had imagined up in her head, she couldn't cope. That was her fault as much as yours, for expecting you to be someone else. Ronan knows what he's getting into.

Look. I put myself into the middle of this because I want you both to be happy. Talking about feelings is, in the most general sense, something we are all uniquely awful at, but you aren't going to figure anything out in the echo chamber of your head.

[he runs a hand through his hair.]

That's one I know from experience. We promised to try, didn't we? I'm holding you to it, and I'm sure you'll do the same to me soon enough.

[That would be the nice version of what happened with Blue, the one that doesn't make it Adam's fault for being a train wreck of a human being. Because what really happened is that she thought he was better than he was, and when she realized the person he really is - well, who would want that? Adam can't blame her. Not really.]

Okay, Ronan knows what he's getting into. But Ronan drives too fast and drinks too much and gets into fights for fun. Ronan likes things that might end up exploding in his face.

[And if Ronan had a healthier approach to the world, it wouldn't be Adam that he wants. And Adam doesn't want to be something that will only end up hurting him - he doesn't want to be another way for Ronan to work out his self-destructive impulses.]

Just because he knows me doesn't mean that I won't end up ruining everything. You know he's not as untouchable as he likes to pretend. I could really hurt him, if I don't know what I'm doing. And I don't.

[Ugh. He hates talking about this. It's - uncomfortable, it makes him vulnerable, he doesn't know how to express himself. He's not as good with that sort of thing as Gansey is.]

[it would be the true version, as far as gansey's concerned. adam may be a trainwreck of a person, but so is ronan, so is noah, so is gansey himself. they're all just slowly derailing from slightly different tracks that happen to often travel parallel.]

He does. And he also likes me, and the Barns, and playing with baby mice with his little brother, and Chainsaw, and sitting in Cabeswater, and Irish music. Ronan likes flying, and he likes being tethered to the ground. You're not a fast car, Adam, or a bottle of vodka. He thinks he hides all that from me, that I couldn't smell the burnt brakes or booze when he didn't pass out at your place instead. He wasn't trying to get away with anything where it concerned you.

[not the same way, at least. gansey wouldn't consider ronan's shame over his sexuality or his crush on their best friend in even remotely the same corner as sneaking out to drag race or drinking himself into oblivion inside st. agnes.]

You could really hurt him, he could really hurt you. That's...that's how it works, Adam. People can hurt each other. You can do all of that to him now, or to me, or to Noah. It's not exactly the same, but it's not so different. You'd just also get to be...close, too. You both have some way to go figuring out how that works, but that's okay.

I mean...what makes you think I know what I'm doing?

Edited 2015-09-30 19:58 (UTC)

Most of the time I assume you don't, but we all follow anyway.

[That's accompanied with a look that's almost amused, or would be if Adam were a little less tangled up inside. After all, he doesn't really think Gansey knows what he's doing - not about everything, not all the time. Not even most of the time. Adam, perhaps more than the rest of them, has plenty of experience with calling Gansey on his shit. He knows very well that Gansey has huge blind spots and can be extremely oblivious, distracted by his own privilege and the things in his head.]

But you've had more success at this sort of thing than I ever have, and you know Ronan. You know how few people he has. It is really worth risking what we have now for - something else? I don't even know if I'm capable of that sort of thing. At least now he's... he could get over it. Move on. We could just be friends.

[He shakes his head, looks away. It's not everything. There's no way he can admit to Gansey, selfishly, that he doesn't want to get hurt either. That he doesn't want Ronan to change his mind the way Blue did, to decide Adam Parrish could never be good enough. Even if it's true.]

It's not like I have any experience with this kind of thing.

[the words make gansey snort.]

That's an awful lot of faith in me when you're the one who's actually good at planning, you know. And you know Ronan too. He thinks it's worth the risk. And I think you underestimate your capability to feel things. Also Ronan's capacity to get over things.

[he pauses, rubbing his bottom lip. he's had a lot of thoughts on this, but it's only now that they're really coming together.]

Jane really messed things up for you, didn't she? Between the kissing thing and then...leaving.

[He doesn't say that faith in Gansey is the one thing all of them have in spades. Even when he doesn't know what he's doing, even when he does stupid things or pisses Adam off. Being perfect and all-knowing is not a requirement for Adam's faith. It never has been.]

It wasn't Blue's fault. She had every right to make her own choice, and I - that wasn't a great time for me.

[He'd only just left home, and he'd thought he was going insane. It had strained his friendship with Gansey nearly to the breaking point, too. Can he really blame Blue, when all she did was look at him and see what was there, instead of what she'd imagined was there?

In the end, it was only a reminder of what he is. Not enough, in anyone's eyes, even his own. Especially his own. What Ronan sees - Adam doesn't know. It's not Blue's fault that Adam has always been told he's worthless, nothing. It's not her fault that part of him believes that, no matter how he fights to be more. It's definitely not her fault that every rejection drills that into him more. He knows that, he just - can't overcome it. He doesn't know how.]

But, I mean. She wasn't wrong. That's all still me, and Ronan deserves a lot more.

She did have every right to make the choice. But making up who you are in her head, jerking you around about the kissing business, and then being disappointed that's not you instead of finding out who you are in the first place...less okay. Still human, not exactly her fault, but less okay.

[gansey gives a little sigh. ]

Thing is, Parrish, you're good for him. I've kept him in Aglionby, but you're the one who talked him into studying so he passed his finals. You're the one he goes to when he wants to escape, not me, and better he spend the night drunk on your floor than out racing. You fight, but it doesn't mean anything, really. Between the two of us, we balance him out. And he balances you out. I'm just here to be the idiot everyone follows so we're all going somewhere.

Ronan deserves to decide for himself what he wants. So do you. If Ronan Lynch, speed demon, is willing to wait for something, that tells you just about everything you need to know about how much he values it. He's made his decision, and he'll wait for you to make yours. I don't know what any of us can do to make you believe you're what we see. Nobody's calling you perfect, but you've seen plenty of Ronan at school, or even here. He doesn't have a damned second of time for anything worthless to him.

I didn't talk him into anything.

[It's the one thing he can correct, really, and so he does. He never said anything to Ronan about studying - he never had to. They've never talked about it, Adam throwing away his home and family to keep Ronan from getting kicked out, Ronan taking care to make sure the sacrifice wasn't pointless. They probably never will talk about it, it was months ago, and neither of them are the type to unearth old pain. Adam doesn't want to think about that night. He doubts Ronan does, either.]

And you know you're a lot more than that, Gansey. I don't want to do anything that might... make things difficult.

[For all of them. If he tried, and things didn't work out, it would be disastrous. Adam knows his own faults, probably better than anyone. He knows he's insecure and jealous and more easily angered than he'd like to be. It would be too easy to hurt Ronan, too easy to upset the balance of all of their friendships. He's desperately afraid of losing Ronan, of losing all of them.]

I don't know. I'm lucky he's willing to give me time.

[He laughs, though there isn't much amusement in it. He is beyond lucky to be the focus of Ronan's desires at all, as frightening as it is. Adam is incredibly aware of that.]

With the dreams, and the ley lines, and this - it's just not a great situation for figuring out this sort of stuff.

[gansey sighs, and his voice goes quiet.]

All right. Not talked, but...he did that for you, and you know it. I've pulled more favors than he'll ever know to keep him in school so he can get his inheritance, but even the threat of losing everything didn't compare to what you did for him. The things you do, even the littlest ones, they mean something to him. He just expects it from me.

[and that's true enough. ronan expects gansey there to hold him back, to drag him back kicking and screaming if that's what it takes. sometimes it has. adam does something else, something gansey can't often do. he makes ronan decide to be better.]

All right, I'm more than that. But so are you. But when aren't things difficult? There's always something. You two will have your spats, I'm positive, since you do already, and I'll play Switzerland, since I do that so well. Just because something isn't easy doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do. You'd know that better than most of us.

But I agree with you, right now is a pretty damn awful time to try to be figuring it out. That's...not really what I'm trying to tell you to do. You have time. Use it wisely and look at what's really there, not just what you've been taught to think of yourself. Trust me, if I thought you were bad for each other, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

[gansey may be naive, but he's not that naive, and he loves his friends above all other things. he'd never let ronan and adam hurt each other on purpose, not like this.]

[Adam looks down at his hands, playing with the fork. He knows that Ronan cares about him, even if it's hard to understand why. He knows it's rather miraculous that he, of all people, is the one Ronan wants. What he's afraid of is not being able to return that the way Ronan deserves. Being too distant, too quiet, too angry. What is love supposed to look like, really? How is it supposed to feel?

The jury's still out on whether it even exists, but Adam knows that, if nothing else, he cares deeply for Ronan - for all of his friends, what few there are. That's why he's so afraid.]

I know. I'm going to try.

[Part of the problem, actually, is that it does seem easy. He likes Ronan, Ronan likes him. He wants Ronan, Ronan wants him. It would be the easiest thing in the world to just go along with it. But Adam doesn't trust anything that seems so easy, especially when he knows what a walking time bomb he can be, especially when he wants so much to keep from hurting Ronan.]

I don't want to put this on your shoulders, Gansey. I - it's good to have someone to talk to, but I don't want you to feel responsible for anything that might happen. If I mess this up. I just wanted you to know that I talked to him.

[Because he did promise, after all.]