[Ronan doesn't know what to say to that- he wants to act like he doesn't need reassurances or gentle words, but they help him more than he expects them to. It doesn't erase what he did, nothing will, but knowing how Adam sees it makes his actions a little easier to stomach.
He still can't stop thinking about the salve he tried to make, how it went wrong, where it went wrong, if he could have done it any differently. He saw Adam's arm go black with decay, even after he asked Cabeswater for something that would save him. Cabeswater had never disappointed them before, but now- ? It might be stupid to think that it could even trump the gods, but this is the first actual demonstration of his abilities against Fear's own, and to come up short leaves him stunned.
And guilty.
Ronan is quiet for a moment while he thinks about it- it's true, he's always tried to protect Adam and the rest of their friends, and even though he feels as if he's failed, maybe there's a kernel of truth to what he's saying. Ronan couldn't stop Gansey from dying, but his creation could revive him. He couldn't save Adam's arm, but he could save his life.
Magic seems to be fraught with these sorts of qualifiers- you never get exactly what you want, you can never use it perfectly, it always comes with drawbacks, consequences. It fills in the big picture but leaves the edges blurred in a way that he can't truly be happy with.]
I can't let anything happen to you, [he confesses quietly, as a way of explaining why he's been protecting Adam. It's easy to see why, and perhaps it doesn't need explaining, but Ronan tries anyway, finding the words in slow, uneven sentences.] I need you.
[But he shakes his head- that much of it should be evident from everything else he's said and how he's treated Adam in the past. That much of it should go unspoken, but it's his reason, selfish as it may be. Without Gansey, who else can he lean on here? It's no secret to Ronan that Adam keeps him stable, maybe even in a way that Gansey never quite managed. Adam lets him teeter and then pulls him back from the edge when things get too far. Ronan's always respected him for that.]
I wish we could go back. Fix everything. Save everyone.
[It's too idealistic of a statement for someone like Ronan Lynch, who doesn't normally share Gansey's optimism- but there it is, soft and vulnerable against the back of Adam's neck.]
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He still can't stop thinking about the salve he tried to make, how it went wrong, where it went wrong, if he could have done it any differently. He saw Adam's arm go black with decay, even after he asked Cabeswater for something that would save him. Cabeswater had never disappointed them before, but now- ? It might be stupid to think that it could even trump the gods, but this is the first actual demonstration of his abilities against Fear's own, and to come up short leaves him stunned.
And guilty.
Ronan is quiet for a moment while he thinks about it- it's true, he's always tried to protect Adam and the rest of their friends, and even though he feels as if he's failed, maybe there's a kernel of truth to what he's saying. Ronan couldn't stop Gansey from dying, but his creation could revive him. He couldn't save Adam's arm, but he could save his life.
Magic seems to be fraught with these sorts of qualifiers- you never get exactly what you want, you can never use it perfectly, it always comes with drawbacks, consequences. It fills in the big picture but leaves the edges blurred in a way that he can't truly be happy with.]
I can't let anything happen to you, [he confesses quietly, as a way of explaining why he's been protecting Adam. It's easy to see why, and perhaps it doesn't need explaining, but Ronan tries anyway, finding the words in slow, uneven sentences.] I need you.
[But he shakes his head- that much of it should be evident from everything else he's said and how he's treated Adam in the past. That much of it should go unspoken, but it's his reason, selfish as it may be. Without Gansey, who else can he lean on here? It's no secret to Ronan that Adam keeps him stable, maybe even in a way that Gansey never quite managed. Adam lets him teeter and then pulls him back from the edge when things get too far. Ronan's always respected him for that.]
I wish we could go back. Fix everything. Save everyone.
[It's too idealistic of a statement for someone like Ronan Lynch, who doesn't normally share Gansey's optimism- but there it is, soft and vulnerable against the back of Adam's neck.]
It's fucking- unfair.